Writing a blog without using words is virtually impossible. Why would anybody even try? The whole idea behind a blog is to communicate about a particular topic. In this case, Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I suppose I could just post photos and hope that gives you an idea of what I have been up to and the current status of my cancer journey. So, where are my words? Why have I been struggling to put them on paper for months?
When I look back over the summer and ALL of the wonderful memories with family and friends, there should be so many words to follow. They rush through my mind and my phone keeps warning me it is full of pictures These words are trapped inside my head and do not make it to my lips nor fingertips.
If you know me at all, you know that this traffic jam inside my head immediately worries me. You see, Inflammatory Breast Cancer has an evil way of creeping into other major organs when you least expect it. You sort of walk around with this weight over your head waiting for it to drop. Is there something wrong with my brain now? Has cancer prevented me from being able to write? Has cancer robbed me of that, too?
There are beautifully, supportive people in my life who have given so much to me. Their generosity—beyond measure. Elaborately, choreographed trips, a remodeled master bathroom, wedding vow renewal ceremony, a cruise, calls, cards, letters, messages, posts, and the list goes on and on. I have been blessed by these people. Still, where are my words expressing how very much I appreciate all of the love surrounding me? Thank you comes to mind, of course, my parents taught me manners but then that sentiment turns into tears. Lots of tears!! Why am I crying so much? These people have wrapped their arms around me tighter than anyone could ever imagine. My army, standing next to me, helping me defeat this beast and shielding me daily from the fear. These people deserve more words. It must be my brain.
Then, one day, one word creeps out and explains it all to me. Nope… it’s not cancer.
Awe: a feeling of reverential respect mixed with fear or wonder.
You are the reason that I wake up every morning feeling positive despite the prognosis. You are the reason that I sleep peacefully in the evening regardless of the fear. You are the reason why I keep fighting. Your love is the reason I am speechless.
I think about cancer every, single minute. I am aware of my fate every, single day. Every month is breast cancer awareness month. Yet, you continue to remind me that I am not dying from cancer, I am LIVING with it.
Simply put, I am in awe.
LOVE > cancer